Gullible, loving small boy and girl becoming argumentative. Conflict has emerged as a way of life. When it comes to raising your teenagers, is your house more like a battlefield than a shrine?
If so, you are not the only one.
Navigating through adolescence is stressful for you as well as your children.
All you want to do is help your teens succeed, yet everything you say and do seems to bother them.
You are naturally frustrated by their moodiness and irritability.
How is it possible for a parent to survive these difficult years?
As a student of psychology, and with the quest bug to become a better parent, I couldn’t handle the fact that relationships become strained with my adolescence. I wondered how I could be a better parent to my teenagers. I have two teens a boy and a girl.
I realized that we, as parents, must understand what is going on in our child’s life. It’s normal for teenagers get into trouble with their parents. Here’s why…
Teenage Crisis
The child is going through a period of physical, emotional and mental hardship. The identity is changing…
Many teens tend to be either terribly disorganized, constantly requiring harassment, or tight, perfectionists, and in need of constant therapy. There’s also all that new neuroscience shows, that brain regions that help humans make smart choices don’t mature until children are in their twenties.
Many life-threatening risks become more appealing as adolescents, while the normal fear of danger is temporarily suppressed. Knowing those things can be tough for us parents to relax.
Here are a couple of things we need to understand what’s happening to our teenagers.
- Learning To Express
During adolescence, the hormones of your children go into overdrive. Your teenagers probably feel stressful, irritable and confused. They have no idea how to navigate or express their emotions. I’m not suggesting that you have to tolerate disrespect. Limitations and consequences are fundamental to the upbringing of a respectful adolescent. If you are wondering how to deal with the attitude of adolescents, it helps to realize that the behavior of your adolescents sometimes has little to do with you.
- Your teen develops an identity
Adolescence is a time children to discover who they are and what they love: their personality and their passions. Individuality brings independence. It is normal that adolescents want more autonomy and are frustrated by strict rules, schedules and expectations. As your teens uncover their identities, don’t forget to show them unconditional love, respect and support. - Teen feels helpless
Teens feel constrained by the rules and schedules over which they have no control. No wonder a lot of teenagers feel helpless! Micromanaging your teens is like fueling a fire. That only makes matters worse.
Strategies
Much of their behavior has nothing to do with you, it has something to do with the changes they are undergoing. Here are some strategies I’ve found that could make us better parents for teens.
Balance Between Parent & A Friend
Lecturing won’t work. Peer groups and friends have become a focal point for teenagers. They have the greatest need for friends in this phase.
Who else would make a better friend than you? Who knows in and out about your child. I assume you do. Otherwise, you have the next strategy.
Investment Of Quality Time
Invest time to know what your child likes, don’t like, what are her interests etc. Meal time is ideal for casual conversations. Teenagers are usually busy with their gadgets even during the meal. This has become a new challenge for parents. I think having regular outdoor activities, whether it’s shopping, dining, lunch, is a great way to engage with. You often find time and occasions for casual conversations. You also create These great memories, which they will cherish in the years to come.
Positive Communication
Teens at time behave irrationally. They get disrespectful and press your emotional buttons. It’s very easy to get triggered and most of the time you do. You get frustrated, you get upset because you’re trying to help your child and they don’t understand. I’m well aware of your dilemma. However, bursting into anger and calling names will only strain the relationship and move your child away from you. If you are angry better take time out for yourself. If your teen is angry, give them the space and time to cool down. Go back when both of you are calm. Have difficult conversations, when you are calm and responsive. Keep tough conversations subtle and positive.
Be The Right RoleModel
Your child will not do what you tell them to do. They will do what you do. Whether it is smoking, drinking or treating people with kindness and generosity. They see how you deal with your emotions, are you triggered easily? Everything is being watched. So be conscious and just demonstrate what you want from your child. The whole world influences children. Most personality traits are picked up from the parents.
Your Focus Matters
When we experience a negative behavior of our teenager, we have a tendency to judge them. Indeed, it is natural for most of us to make judgments and be cynical. What you focus on grows. Start by looking at the positive aspects of your child. I know when you have a negative experience, it’s very difficult to focus on the positives. But that is not impossible. Over a period of time, you will improve. Begin with the little steps.
Disciplining
Too much discipline might make your teenager a rebel. No discipline is just as bad for them. Define rules and boundaries for your child to operate freely. We parents WANT To protect our children from pain. However, teenagers WANT to explore and develop. Risky behaviors are quite natural.
Some parents, feeling a loss of control over the behavior of their adolescents, repress whenever their child gets out of line. Others avoid any conflict for fear their teens will push them away.
You don’t have to do either of those things. It is a question of striking a balance between obedience and liberty.
If you emphasize obedience too much, you may be able to make your teenager fall into line, but at what cost? Teenagers raised in rigid environments miss out on developing problem-solving or leadership skills, because you make the decisions for them.
But no discipline helps either. Teenagers and pre-teens need clear structures and rules to live while they start to explore the outside world.
As a parent, it is up to you to set your family’s core values and communicate them through your words and actions. It’s being an authoritative parent, an approach that “helps kids develop the skills they need to govern themselves appropriately,” Lerner says.
Remember, your influence is deeper than you may think. Most teens say they want to spend more time with their parents. Keep devoting time to your child throughout your teenage years. Even if it doesn’t show, you provide the solid“The years when kids are between 13 and 18 years old are an essential time for parents to stay involved,” says Amelia M. Arria, PhD. She is director of the University of Maryland’s Center on Young Adult Health and Development. Keep an eye on unexplained changes in your teen’s behavior, appearance, school performance and friends. Take those signals seriously and get involved. You need to act now, before the problem escalates. Understand what’s going on in child’s life. ground they know they can always come home to.
Don’t Overlook The Big Stuff
“The years when kids are between 13 and 18 years old are an essential time for parents to stay involved,” says Amelia M. Arria, PhD. She is director of the University of Maryland’s Center on Young Adult Health and Development. Keep an eye on unexplained changes in your teen’s behavior, appearance, school performance and friends. Take those signals seriously and get involved. You need to act now, before the problem escalates. Understand what’s going on in child’s life.
Inclusive Parenting
Ask their opinion, instead of dumping yours. You might be underestimating your child’s abilities, if you are not. You never know, they might startle you with their brilliance.
Make Them Responsible
Last but not least, we have to get our teenagers ready for the future. We might want to protect them from pain. However, if they make poor choices in life, they will suffer negative consequences. As parents, we know that. So education is a better choice than tolerance. This is tough love and can be necessary sometimes. Right now, maybe they don’t understand our intent, but eventually they do.
What Next?
Happy Parenting…
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