Glued to gadgets, video-games, conversations with friends, hours of phone conversations, messy rooms, nothing else in the world matters but their own agenda. They don’t want you around them as they interact with friends. The first focus is on friends and gadgets, studying and chores come last. Sarcasm, rudeness, cutting you off during conversations, these are day-to-day business of most of the contemporary teens.
Challenges
Parenting is not easy. Parenting a teenager makes it even more difficult.
If your teen is behaving this way, take a deep breath, you aren’t alone. It is very rare that an adolescent is interested in the world of parents.
It’s the seesaw of adolescence, one foot in childhood, the other stepping out as young adults,” says Aaron Cooper, Ph.D., author of I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy: Why You Shouldn’t Say It… ” So don’t take a snub personally. This is really just a phase.”
“There is a fine line between allowing them the flexibility to learn, finding their identities, and trying new things while also giving and sticking to consequences for actions that push this boundary into an area of life that can be dangerous, scary, and pose serious problems for your teen now and their future selves.” Says Dr. Kulaga.
Teenage Phase
Emily Edlynn, Ph.D., says teenagers are in a delicate state between childhood and adulthood – they develop their independence and their own identity. “Parents best support this development by ‘scaffolding,’ which is decreasing their level of guidance and directing as their teen gains more skills and mastery.
Because they are Transitioning from childhood to adulthood, they go through Internal emotional clashes between independence and dependency. They are driven by 4 Fs, freedom, friends, fun and focus on self.
Even if you think you know everything about your children, when they grow up, you may need to know them again without presupposition, judgement, or superficiality. At this point, your teen turns to you for support and guidance, along with structure and discipline. There are three basic things you need to communicate with a teenager: open-mindedness, a sense of equality, and a supportive attitude. Remember these three things, and you’ll be closer to each other in no time.
Bonding And It’s Benefits
Every connection is a personal choice that demands trust. No bond can be forced – this is often a slow process that requires patience and perseverance. The key to getting through this phase is to take a deep breath, relax, and remember that teenagers are no monsters. These are just children who are going through many physical, emotional, and social changes, all at the same time. Parents can establish and maintain a healthy relationship with their children during adolescence with a little patience and much love.
Teenage years can be a rollercoaster, but they don’t have to be nightmare. Parents can develop unbreakable relationships with their teens through regular conversations, fantastic listening skills, and understanding but firm discipline. Spending quality time together and expressing a sincere interest in their hobbies, friends and personal lives will strengthen that connection. “Strengthening your relationship with your teen during his/her adolescence should be your top priority,” says family therapist Carleton Kendrick, author of Take Out Your Nose Ring, Honey, We’re Going to Grandma’s. “This is your best chance to build a life-long relationship rooted in love and respect.” It’s the reward that most parents seek.
Premises For Building Special Bond
- Respect
Dr. Edlynn suggests that as parents, you show appreciation for your teen’s growing skills and maturity, so they feel you respect them and their increasing abilities to navigate their world.
- Open Mind And Equality
If you want to get to know them and why they are who they are, you really need to listen to what they say without turning them about you. Talk to them, ask questions about what they said, and don’t cut them off if they say things you don’t like or disagree with. Openness is crucial if you want to build that trust and prove that you’re not going to turn them down for who they are.
- Investing Time And Energy
Building connection takes time, as does anything else in life.
It may feel like your teen is pushing you away, but they are actually craving one-on-one time with you—just on their terms. Once you learn about their interests and hobbies, suggest trying one of them out together and let your teen decide what to do. When teens feel overcrowded or micro-managed, they may resent and distance themselves. But if they feel that you are interested in spending time with them doing something they like, they are more likely to take you up on the chance to do something together.
- Genuine Interest To Support
Supporting your teen means that you are there with them through thick and thin, happy & sad moments. It can be really hard for an adolescent to open up when they are in trouble, so that’s when you need to be patient. Prove that you are not going anywhere and that you will not turn them down because of their situation. Show them love and encouragement as they make their way through life at that age.
- Compassion
Understand that they are in the midst of massive changes in their lives. Your advice and support is very necessary for their soft landing in adulthood.
- Adaptability
When your teenager is in difficulty, communication can easily deteriorate if you start dictating or nagging. To foster closeness when the going gets rough, “you need to realize that your teen is not a problem to be solved, but a person to be understood,” says Jamie Woolf, author of Mom-in-Chief: How Wisdom from the Workplace Can Save Your Family from Chaos. A key rule: Don’t overreact”
- Awareness
Simply being in the right place at the right time — and in the right mindset — can increase your chances of having a heart-to-heart relationship. If you observe the routines of your teenager and succeed in being present when he/she appears more receptive, you prepare the ground for great discussions.
- Set And Implement Rules
While it is important to listen and remain rational while discussing troubling situations with teenagers, it is also important to set standards. Teenagers need to learn acceptable behavior, and they need to know that there are consequences in life when they violate those rules. Parents should avoid yelling, screaming and demeaning, but simply impose the appropriate consequences. Be a parent. It is easy to confuse the line between parent and friend when desperately trying to form a connection with a teenager. It can be challenging to listen and be open-minded as a friend while establishing and enforcing rules and limits. Even if it can cause small quarrels, teens need responsible parents to take care of them and keep them safe. Parents concerned that doling out punishments will break their bond with their child should remember that teens often respect parents who discipline them when they are off track (they hardly admit it).
Activities To Be Connected
Teens have countless enticing ways to spend time without you — from their peers to the mall to any of their multiple screens — but there are many activities you can share, as well as ways to turn everyday situations into bonding opportunities. Spending quality time together is an excellent way of building a strong connection. Life becomes hectic, and crazy schedules can leave a lot of teens feeling forgotten and isolated. Taking time off a hectic schedule to hang out together makes a teenager feel valued and appreciated. A simple gesture, such as a walk, an ice cream or a film, will make all the difference. List of some important activities that can be used to build this special connection. This is just a beginning, you can add to these to your wish.
Casual Daily Conversations
Keep aside 15-20 minutes for daily conversations. Look for when the child is more receptive to talk to you. I find that right after they get back from school before they enter the gadget zone is a good time to know what’s going on in their world.
You ask a few open questions like how was your day? How did it go at school? It could start conversations.
A big key to getting your teenager to open up is to find some middle ground. Speak about your personal, social and work life. If you don’t seem to relate to them about anything, don’t panic. It is a good opportunity for silence and listening.
Attentive Listening
Listen to What’s said and what is not said.
Once conversations begin to flow, parents should let their teens take control. This enables them to lead the conversation in the direction they choose. Great listening gives teenagers an opportunity to unload what they have in mind. It is useful to provide appropriate comments and questions and encourage them to elaborate. Listening is incredibly important during tough or delicate conversations. Parents should try to listen to their teenager with an open mind and respond constructively if their teenager comes up with a problem. It can be hard for parents to remain calm when their child has done something wrong, but it is essential to keep that line of communication open. A hasty reaction may cause a teen to shut up in the future.
“Talk about them, listen, and don’t always give your advice. Sure, you have been there and done that before, but honestly, they often don’t care and don’t want to hear it. They want to vent and talk about themselves,” says Dr. Kulaga. “They are going through it now in life, and no matter what you say, your issues back then probably don’t compare to theirs (in their eyes, that is). So, hear out your teen not to respond, but to listen.”
Regular Movie Date
Making a regular movie date with them. You always don’t have to go to the cinemas, even watching it on Netflix or Prime would do the trick. Not only this is a nice break for you, it provides the perfect opportunity for you to spend time together without, feeling like you have to talk the whole time.
Family Dinners
Try to make the family dinner a regular part of your timetable. Not only is this a great time to catch up with your kids about what’s going on in their lives, but researchers at the University of Montreal have discovered a link between family meals and physical and emotional wellbeing in children.
Music
“Music is so good for the mind and soul and it has a way to connect with a moment or person. Go to a concert, festival, etc., where the music plays and enjoy a quality moment with your teen and good music,” says Dr Kulaga.
You can bring music into your lives through a live performance, playing your own music or learning music together
Cooking
You’ll get more from cooking with your teenager than just good food. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the best bonding activities ever. Not only can cooking helps you tackle a fun project together, it keeps you healthy as well.
If you only have cooking skills in macaroni and Maggie, try taking a cooking class with your child.
Work The Chores Together
While few people like to do chores, arranging the house together is a great way to get into some bonding time with your teenagers. Not only will you be leading by example (and hopefully imparting some of the professional-grade cleaning tricks you’ve learned over the years), you might just be able to get your kid to open up to you as you’re tidying up.
Do A Little Shopping Together
A little retail therapy can be a great way to bond with your teens, no matter how uncool they think you are the rest of the time. Grab some back-to-school essentials, take them to their favourite book store, or enjoy a little shopping trip together – you’ll be amazed at how quickly they open. You can also discuss and shop online with them.
One On One Chat
Even if you have a big family, it is important to take the time to talk to your teenager alone. The teen years are an important transition for many kids. So, making sure you have plenty of face time with them can make it easier to keep up with all these ups and downs.
Craft Together
Whether your passion is knitting, embroidery or crochet, crafting with your children can be an amazingly good way to connect.
“Being creative is a great way to get out of stress, enter the zone and chat. Let your teenager choose a skill that he or she likes (painting, creating music, tinkering, etc.) and ask him or her to do something for someone else—a grandparent, relative, sibling or friend. As they create, you talk to them, you learn about them and just beyond,” says Dr. Kulaga.
Take A Painting Class Together
A little creativity helps to build relationships with your teenager. Taking a painting class can provide some perfect bonding time for the two of you. Trust me, I have done this and it works.
Summary
Building connection with your teen takes effort and time, however it’s worth the effort.
Happy Parenting
Hey, did you learn something from the article? Stay in touch. Join the like minded parents community on Facebook. Invite your friends too. Click here to join. See you ton the other side. Take care & stay blessed.
Sharing is caring…share this post, share the love.
